I like this poem alot.
It doesn't quite roll of your tounge.
But the words are stronge enough, that it doesn't need rythme.
Good job.
I like the middle verse the best.
"Hey, trendwhore, don't eat that!
Can't you see your ego's fat?
The anorexic bluejean fit
doesn't help self-esteem a bit,
does it?"

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[link] <--Gallery

thank you

--
I'm fightin' for love, and I'm fightin' for life,
against those doin' wrong and for those doin' right, yeah,
for my family and my future to come,
cuz if I don't fight now, then there just might not be one.
~KMK

lol you dont like the "popular" people do you?

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What was once found, is now lost

no, not really lol

--
I'm fightin' for love, and I'm fightin' for life,
against those doin' wrong and for those doin' right, yeah,
for my family and my future to come,
cuz if I don't fight now, then there just might not be one.
~KMK

The first stanza was really good, but you can see that as you became more emotionally involved in the poem, it went a bit off the rails.

-Is your body starved for food
because you're starved for attention?-

I think you should rephrase this. 'Starve' used twice detracts from the power of the word.

-Just remember
Karma comes back around.
So watch your back.-

Bordering on angsty cliche. Judging from your other work, I figure you could finish this off with a smoking gun if you wanted to.

Hope you don't mind my comments as they are strictly meant to be constructive, as I really did enjoy reading it

--
Come and view my limited edition prints at:

[link]

‘The images have an intensity rarely portrayed with such simplicity, speaking volumes with an emotive depth of rich colour and striking density.’

The pace and anger are really good and really make this poem work. I love it all except the last three lines leave the structure without really adding anything.

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to eat the fruit of all the trees of the garden of life.

hmm. thanks for the constuctive criticism . yeah i had trouble even figuring out something for on the end. i'm open to suggestions on how to improve the ending lol i always had my doubts in it

--
I'm fightin' for love, and I'm fightin' for life,
against those doin' wrong and for those doin' right, yeah,
for my family and my future to come,
cuz if I don't fight now, then there just might not be one.
~KMK

thanks. yes i know the last three lines arent' that good. i had to push my brain to get anything to go in that space at all though. if you can think of something better i'll probly change it and you'll get credit for them though

--
I'm fightin' for love, and I'm fightin' for life,
against those doin' wrong and for those doin' right, yeah,
for my family and my future to come,
cuz if I don't fight now, then there just might not be one.
~KMK

No problem at all. I often sugest that if you are unsure of how to finish a piece, it hasn't found it's natural resolution yet. Maybe give it some time, perhaps until you get a deeper perspective on it, or maybe when you feel you have more to say on the issue.

Sorry, I know that is a vague suggestion, but I find that it has worked for me in the past.

--
Come and view my limited edition prints at:

[link]

‘The images have an intensity rarely portrayed with such simplicity, speaking volumes with an emotive depth of rich colour and striking density.’